I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
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EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
My blood type is coffee.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!