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Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
When you’ve simply given up.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I hope they boil the right one.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.