You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
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You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
😅🤣😂
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.