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I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Just me?
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔