I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
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Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell