I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
You Might Also Like
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I wish I could veto my bills.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.