Tier 3 meme
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My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
It’s the weekend y’all
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
classic mixup
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.