What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
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I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
WWE is French for “yes”
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives