What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
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Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Real House Wines.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.