I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
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The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Anyone else having a near life experience today?