Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
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*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Dance like you’re not the father
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker