I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
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As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
the prophecy has been fulfilled
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
How can I say no to this ?
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk