He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
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I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
#TopTip
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”