🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
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*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.