Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
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I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Still a very good boi….
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.