Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
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If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it