@jordan_stratton

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

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@DrunjAF

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

@AimeeHelene1

They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:

You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.

@T_Bonezzz_

A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered

@TheOneTrueDisco

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

@isabelhagen_

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

@chelseaanet

The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.

@Dustinkcouch

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

@prawn_meat

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree