My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
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I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
mood
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants