My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
You Might Also Like
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys