Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
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DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.