I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I forgot how to panic. Help
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel