{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
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Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
😂😂
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
idk flipping houses looks really hard