You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
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Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.