I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
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Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Sounds like a bargain
how was your vacation
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy