I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
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Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Rambo Rambow
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
How do I rate our solar system?
One star