strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
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I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.