More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
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What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Guy who likes music
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!