For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
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You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”