Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
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Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Haha! 😂
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Jail
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call