Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
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I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.