I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
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Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
whenever i wake up before my alarm
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]