Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
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Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two