Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
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We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I’m too immature for adultery.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”