Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
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“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
every college guy’s fridge
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there