You Might Also Like
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.