Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
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me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213