It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
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Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.