therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
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Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
yea so i messed up lol
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.