My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
You Might Also Like
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑