They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
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He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
#parenting
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Breaking news:
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.