I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
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Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.