Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
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I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Snapes on a plane.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.