Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
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Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Bloody internet 😳
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????