Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
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Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me