Snapes on a plane.
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😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
North and South
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.