“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
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*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Had a spot of bother earlier.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
79.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.