I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
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Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape