daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
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In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.