before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
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Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶![]()
I have a type: disappointing
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”