I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
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It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Travel bloggers during quarantine
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
had to share :’)
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight